[VID] The Muppets: Habanera

[VID] Gonna eat that talkin' sandwich!!!

[JOKE] Not So Dumb Blonde

Not So Dumb Blonde
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."


This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


Source: http://www.vikarsrant.net

Fasten Seat Belts

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.

"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"

A pickpocket in court

A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

The lawyer stood up and said, "Thank you, your honor. My client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

Ungracious Lawyer

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."

The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

A Feat of Strength

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

No Parent Left Behind

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

Spaghetti Sauce

Sammy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Sam to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Sammy's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Little Johnny

One day little Johnny heard a noise and
peeked into his parents room to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over
the dresser and dad going at it, behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink
as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished, Dad went to check
on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to
find Grandma bent over the dresser and little
Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?!"

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

More creative ways to deal with telemarketers

1. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.
2. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
6. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
7. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"
8. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
9. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Home for the Hoildays

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York right before the Holidays and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing! Forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "It worked. They're coming for the holidays and paying their own way."

Could Noah build his ark today?

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

"First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

"Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Montana Dumb Laws

• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
• Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
• In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
• It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
• In the City of Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
• In the City of Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.
• Also, in the City of Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
• While in Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
• In the City of Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

8 Ways on How to Deal with Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

35 Years

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

The Old Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes,” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

Judge's Announcement

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

I want to become a lawyer ...

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?”

“It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”

“That's my business! Get me the course!”

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer..."